The Daily Romp

I stormed in the party like my name was El Nino. This is The Narnia, the newest member of Team Hotsauce. I will be dropping in from time to time to give you some of my thoughts and ideas. First topic, chicks, man.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and one subject keeps standing out. It pops up frequently when I am out downtown, out at dinner, or walking to my car from the strip club on a Wednesday after lunch. It is an issue that many people before me have probably thought of, but I want to give my thoughts on the situation. The topic is the things that girls do. The time has come for some of these ridiculous practices to come to an end. I know that guys and girls are very different, but I feel like we need a little bit more conformity in our actions. I have compiled this list of things that I have noticed over the past few years that could really use some changing. There are also a few notes for you from the guys perspective. So, ladies, listen up and take notes.

1. Stop Going to the Bathroom Together- This is a ridiculous habit that every girl in the entire world thinks is normal. Well, its not. You need to act like a big girl and pee all by yourself. And what happens if one of your friends throws a curveball and decides to drop a twosie? What is the MO on that little treat? I get really nervous if someone talks to me at a urinal, I can’t imagine inviting some friends in with me to have a chat. 

2. She Isn’t a Whore- Stop calling girls whores or sluts just because they are prettier than you. If you don’t have the personality or looks to land the guy you want, too bad. This activity is commonplace in bars and stupid girl conversations everywhere. Yall love to throw that word around at girls you don’t even know, just because they happen to be looking sexy that evening. I really think you should just go home and practice being cool in front of your full length mirror while wearing your skinny jeans. 

3. Stop Holding Hands- We aren’t in 4th grade on a field trip. There is no need to hold hands with each other unless one of you is hanging off the edge of a cliff. Unfortunately, neither of you are. Knock it off.

4. Stop Playing with Each Others Hair-  Unless you are a licensed hair dresser there is no need to mess around with your girlfriends hair under any circumstances.

5. Stop Asking Ridiculous Questions- Please think before you open your mouth from now on. I am so tired of hearing about girlfriends asking questions that start with, “Would you still love me if…”. The answer is no. We will say, “Honey, of course!” That is a lie. If you got really fat, or lost an arm or something, you are fired. Sorry if this comes as a shock to you, but thats the way it is in the real world. 

6. Stop Popping Your Collar- I have seen this a few times recently and it is not Ok. When a guy has a collar boner, it makes him a loser. When you pop your collar, you become the loser. It isn’t hot, it isn’t funny, it must stop now.

7. Stop Saying “Hey Girl”- If I hear another chick answer her phone or greet a friend with any form of “Hey Girl!” ,  I could end up serving 5-10 in a Fulton County jail. PLEASE stop!

8. Stop Changing in Front of/Bathing with Your Friends- Unless you plan on filming these activities and emailing them to me, there is no reason to get naked in front of one another. 

9. Stop Having Bangs- I have no idea who said that bangs were back, but my guess is it was a stupid girl. You may think that it is cute to each other, but I don’t know a single dude who has ever said, “Check out those sexy bangs.” If you want to look trendy or cute, while getting our attention, wear a low-cut shirt and a push up bra. 

10. Stop Talking About How Fat You Are- If you continue to point out all of your flaws to fish for complements, we are going to start noticing them more often. You aren’t fat, we wouldn’t be talking to you if you were (unless booze is involved or you are really funny). Now that you have pointed out that little bit of pudge, that is all that we see. Way to go dummy.

11. Stop Making Me Retake Pictures- I cannot stand when a group of girls ask me to take a picture for a second time. “Oh no, I look horrible/fat in that one, will you take another one?” No! Thats what you look like, its a f’ing PHOTOGRAPH! It captures a moment in time, sorry that you are kinda big or ugly. Deal with it.

12. Stop Wearing Capri Pants- I know girls have a tough time making decisions most of the time, but I mean, come on! Wear some shorts or wear some pants.I hope this one has gone away, it has been a while since I have seen them.

13. Gay Friends- Stop having a gay friend because you think it is funny or cute. It’s not. It’s weird and creepy. No guy is jealous of your gay buddy, we are just really uncomfortable. There is no reason why a guy you are friends with should be more feminine than you are. Stop nurturing that kind of behavior, it is unhealthy.

14. Stop Getting Little Dogs- That is not a dog, that is a Hamster. I will punt that little thing across the yard. Get rid of it or I am calling the Orkin Man.

15. Stop Being So Fake- I hate when girls are so nice to each other when face-to-face and then immediately talk badly about them. If you are that insecure, you need to go see a specialist. Girls love to gossip about everyone and everything they can. I just simply don’t understand. Guys don’t care if you hate that other girl or not, we just want you to shut up.

 I feel like that is a sufficient list for right now. This will most certainly be updated over the next few weeks, so stay tuned. If you were offended by this, then you are what is wrong with America and you are the reason there are terrorists. A friend of mine once said “Girls are just losers with vaginas”. If things don’t start to change, I will be inclined to agree. Good luck!